I'm not supposed to feel anxious in the temple right?

Anxiety presents itself in a multitude of ways and is so different from person to person. My anxiety starts in my gut with those typical butterfly feelings. From there it goes into my chest and then finally my throat. It feels like someone is squeezing my throat together, which makes it hard to talk and breathe comfortably. In the past I've even given myself sore throats because my throat is so tight. For me, anxiety makes it extremely difficult to sit still for long periods of time. To combat those feelings of restlessness, I usually content myself with taking notes, doodling, or fiddling with my hands (in other words, popping every knuckle I can over and over). None of these things actually take away the anxiety, but they help me get through periods of prolonged sitting.

Growing up I had always been taught that the temple was a place of peace and stillness, and I yearned for that in my life. I needed that calmness desperately. My first time going through the temple I was so excited for the rush of peace that I expected to flood through me. Unfortunately as the session went on, my throat grew tighter and tighter. I was so confused. I brushed it off figuring that it was my first time through and it would get better after I had been a few times.

As the years have passed and I continue to go to the temple, I sometimes grow frustrated with the fact that I still get incredibly anxious during a session. I've thought, okay maybe I just need to go when I have nothing else I need to be doing. But I still felt anxious. I'm sad to say that there are times when I choose not to go to the temple because sitting so still seems like such a daunting task.

I decided to go to the temple this morning though, despite worries that I wouldn't feel the peace and stillness that I so desired. And I received a wonderful tender mercy. It's one of those things that's hard to express in words, but I'll try my best. Throughout the entire session I was having a really hard time focusing. My mind felt like it was going in a million different directions. I felt guilty that I was letting my thoughts get in the way of what was going on. Why isn't Heavenly Father helping me clear my mind? Why isn't He answering my prayer for peace and comfort? As these questions entered my mind, along with the bombardment of many others, I felt a calm reassurance enter my mind and heart. It was like this person (the Holy Ghost) was standing in the back of my mind watching all of the chaos go on. And as I struggled to put the chaos in the right brain bins and baskets, I felt the Spirit whisper that "it's all okay. It's okay that you have anxiety and that you feel it in the temple. Nothing is wrong with you."

Did the chaos ever calm? No, not really. But I learned today that it's okay. I learned to focus my temple visits on the people whose work I am doing, rather than on what I want from being there. I learned (yet again), that Heavenly Father doesn't always take away our struggles when or how we want. And the biggest lesson I learned today is that it's okay if you don't feel like you're focusing as well as you want in the temple. But rather than get frustrated with yourself, take a step back and observe. Take note of all the thoughts and feelings that you are having, but don't let them consume you. The temple is such a wonderful place to learn about yourself. It truly is a spiritual university, not just in matters of doctrine, but also in matters of self.

I love the temple so much, and I have been blessed with so many beautiful experiences. I'm grateful for the Spirit that I feel every time I go there and for the peace that I receive, despite the anxiety. Remember that Heavenly Father doesn't expect us to be perfect. He only expects us to do our very best. We do our best and our Savior, Jesus Christ makes up the rest.

Simply,
Kenzie M