The Refiner's Fire

I wanted to share my experience about deciding whether or not to go on a mission, in hopes that people will understand my choices thus far. My hope is that what I'm writing will help someone who is struggling in any way. I ask only that you respect what I have shared here. These experiences are very sacred and special to me.

Two weeks before school started in September I had a very powerful and spiritual experience at work. At the time I worked at Good Earth Natural Foods and worked as a cashier. I was having sort of a rotten morning. For some reason I just wasn't happy. I then helped an older gentlemen who such a difference in my life. I will always remember him and his counsel. He told me that I am beautiful and that I don't need to compare myself to anyone else. What's important is that I look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful. I remember exactly what he said, but that was the gist of it. I remember tears coming to my eyes as he talked to me. In my mind I was thinking, "how does this guy know that this is EXACTLY what I have been thinking lately?" Seriously, it was like he could literally read my mind. I went back to cleaning shelves with a smile on my face. As I sat and worked I had this strong desire come over me to help other people be happy like that man did for me. I sat there thinking about life, but nothing in particular. All of a sudden I had a distinct impression that I needed to go on a mission. All of the fears that I had previously had about going on a mission had disappeared. I was so overwhelmed by the Spirit that I started sweating and I had to pause what I was doing and just sit there for a minute. From that moment on I was so happy. The dark weight on my shoulders had left and I knew what I was supposed to do. After submitting my papers I received my call to Washington, Tacoma Cambodia speaking!

Not long after, however, I started feeling not so comfortable with the idea of going on a mission. At first I thought it was just because I was nervous and scared. I was starting to feel very uncomfortable with the idea of going on a mission. I continued feeling like this for several months, not knowing whether I should go or not. I felt like all the signs were pointing that way, but something deep inside me was saying it wasn't right. I also started feeling more like I didn't even want to go. However, I struggled with feelings of guilt, wondering if there were people in Tacoma who Heavenly Father was waiting for me to contact. I didn't want to disappoint my future mission president or companions (since it is such a unique call with few missionaries), but mostly I didn't want to disappoint my Heavenly Father. This internal struggle seemed to be burning up inside. It was on my mind 24/7. Not only was I dealing with this, but at that same time I also got a stress fracture making it so I couldn't dance. All of this combined placed a big, dark cloud of depression over me and my mental issues worsened. I tried to put on a good face, but on the inside I felt like I was a piece of metal being put in the Refiner's Fire. And indeed I was. 

When I got home from visiting my parents in Cambodia for Christmas (where I felt really strongly like I didn't want to go), I decided to see a therapist. I explained to him my feelings of disappointing Heavenly Father if I didn't go. He then asked me, "What do you think Heavenly Father would think if you didn't go?" At that moment I felt the Holy Ghost wash over me in peace, and I had a very definite feeling that God loved me. Tears came to my eyes as I repeated it out loud. I suddenly felt extremely calm about not going on a mission. Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. He wants us to find joy in this life. After praying a lot and going to the temple, I have continued to feel very at peace with the decision to not go. I feel like it is more important to focus on fixing some of the health issues that I struggle with so that I can be an even better wife and mother in the future.

The Refiner's Fire is painful (this Mormon Message is my favorite!). It hurts tremendously. At first we may not understand why we are having to go through such high heat and the pounding of the hammer. However, in the end we understand and we are grateful for it. Although it has hurt, in the end the Welder has formed us into a beautiful rose. I know I am grateful for this past semester. Even though during it I felt like I wanted to give up, I am grateful for the strength it gave me. I have a closer relationship to my Heavenly Father more than in any other time in my life. I am His little girl. He will always be there for me. I learned to recognize the His presence in my day to day life. I learned that sometimes Heavenly Father doesn't give us answers because He trusts that we will make the right decision. I learned that sometimes we just have to make a decision and move on and trust that everything will work out. 

I was reminded by my sister of a story Elder Holland gave when his son and he had come to a fork in the road. They prayed and felt like they should take the left road. Eventually, however, they came to a dead-end. Upon returning his son asks him why Heavenly Father would tell them to take that road when it wasn't the right one. Elder Holland then explained that sometimes Heavenly Father takes us down the wrong road so we know for certain that the other road is right. I feel like that perfectly explains my life this semester. I'm not saying missions are bad. I know I would have learned a lot of great things. However, I went down that road and it didn't feel right to me. Now I'm taking this road and I know that it's the right one. Trust in God. He knows where you are supposed to be and what you are supposed to be doing. In the end it will all work out. 

--Kenzie M